Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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