I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize