I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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