you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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