wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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