I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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