I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
