Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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