oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
