I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
