mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
