I bet he comes in French.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
