The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
