Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
