she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
