we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
