I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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