Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
