Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
