Can i not drive my cunt home
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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