Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize