before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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