Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Randomize
