one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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