oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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