I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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