I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
