the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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