If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
