Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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