I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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