a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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