don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
