i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
