Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
