: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And my parents said I crawled through the house
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
