I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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