You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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