mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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