o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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