I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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