Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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