she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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