I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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