i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
