somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
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