Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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