i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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