Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
