Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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