I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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