If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
