just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
