I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
