I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
