I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
